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There was a man named Jones and he played 3rd string center for a pro football team. Friday came around and he started to feel ill. As the weekend went on he got worse. It came time for the game on Monday night and he could not get out of bed.
His wife told him to go cause they needed the money and that all he had to do is sit on the bench. Feeling real ill he told his wife that he could not go. She gets the idea to dress in is his uniform and just sit on the bench in his place because he almost never plays.
During the first quarter the first string center gets knocked out.
During the 2nd quarter the 2nd string center gets knocked out. The coach yells "Jones get in there," so she goes out onto the field and immediately gets knocked out.
Twenty minutes later she wakes up finding the coach over her pushing on her tits saying, "Don't worry Jones when we get your balls back down your dick will pop out."
Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."
The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last Supper.
The Class Reunion .. .. ..
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion web site and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar at the Pottsville Club.
Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Princeton majoring in the Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live on Long Island and have a second home in Florida.
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.
Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in Bellevue. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando.
Samantha confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what It costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she Finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing."
"You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
Two men were on a bear hunting trip, but one hunter decided to stay in the cabin one day, while the other went out hunting for a bear.
The hunter soon found a huge bear, shot at it, but only wounded it.
The wounded bear immediately charged the hunter, so he ran for the cabin.
He ran as fast as he could, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, ran back outside, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left giggleberry and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right man- meatball, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
A judge in Maine has ruled that women, but not men, can jog naked in public, for you men who are making their mid-summer vacation plans.
Turns out the law in Maine says an offence of appearing nude is committed only if the genitals are knowingly exposed in public. The judge says that women's genitals are primarily internal and therefore cannot be exposed.
How did this come up at the trial of two women arrested for running nude?
They won their case by asking just ONE question of the arresting police officer. He was asked whether he saw their genitals during the incident. "Not that I recall," he replied.
Case closed.
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came 'round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb ass.'
Your sex life ain't what it used to be if...
** These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.
** "Five times in one night" now means that your overactive bladder syndrome is acting up again.
** Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.
** Then: "Where's Waldo?" played in bed with your pendulous babe; Now: "Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous stomach.
** Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you in traction for a week.
** Then: She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30 minutes in a post-orgasmic stupor. Now: She says you're blocking her view of the TV.
** It takes six Viagras just to play hard to get.
** Your mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express her concern nearly as often as she used to.
** You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but now it's out of annoyance.
** Your come-on line to a cute, 16-year-old high school student with tight jeans and an exposed belly? "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"
Trivia
Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt, and therefore, the expression "losing face."
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and thus, we have the term "gossip."
The Term, "It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Loses An Eye" Is From Ancient Rome. The Only Rule During Wrestling Matches Was, "No Eye Gouging." Everything Else Was Allowed, But The Only Way To Be Disqualified Was To Poke Someone's Eye Out.
A Downburst Is A Downward Blowing Wind That Sometimes Comes Blasting Out Of A Thunderstorm. The Damage Looks Like Tornado Damage, Since The Wind Can Be As Strong As An F2 Tornado, But Debris Is Blown Straight Away From A Point On The Ground. It's Not Lifted Into The Air And Transported Downwind.
A Fierce Gust Of Wind Blew 45 Year Old Vittorio Luise's Car Into A Rover Near Naples, Italy, In 1980. He Managed To Break A Window, Climb Out And Swim To Shore--Where A Tree Blew Over And Killed Him.
During The Time That The Atomic Bomb Was Being Hatched By The United States At Alamogordo, New Mexico, Applicants For Routine Jobs Like Janitors, Were Disqualified If They Could Read. Illiteracy Was A Job Requirement. The Reason: The Authorities Did Not Want Their Trash Or Other Papers Read.
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